


Afraid

by sabbathgoat



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019), The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band Book - Mötley Crüe & Neil Strauss
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kissing, M/M, Mick needs a hug, Nikki is a sweetheart, generation swine years, songfic sorta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:59:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23048155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabbathgoat/pseuds/sabbathgoat
Summary: (Super fast fic for a request prompt!)Motley Crue is making Generation Swine, and the hate Mick keeps getting from their manager finally tips him over the edge. But Nikki is there to pick him back up.
Relationships: Mick Mars/Nikki Sixx
Comments: 7
Kudos: 33





	Afraid

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda struggled with this one so I hope you guys enjoy <3 I'm still working on the other requests that were put in! They are all so lovely.

_'It's only life_  
_She's so afraid of this_  
_And so afraid to ask_  
_She hides behind her mask_  
_Nothing's ever right_  
_She's so afraid of pain_  
_So afraid of blame_  
_It's driving her insane.'_

The verse repeated endlessly in his head. Forget whatever girl Nikki was writing about; Mick Mars felt the lyrics pounding down at his own damn life.

_'So insecure_  
_There is no cure.'_

The chorus to _Afraid_ that they had been working on all day chopped away at Mick's sanity. It was stuck in his head, playing over and over and over on loop... It was driving _him_ up the walls insane, much less the girl in the song. Maybe her and Mick could meet, and chat about how fucking _afraid_ they felt to speak up against all the cocksuckers in their lives.

_Yeah. Right._

Mick stood in the bathroom of their recording studio, staring down at the porcelain sink as he thought about those words. It might actually be the only song on the entire fucked up album that Mick somewhat moderately liked. Not for the music- but for the lyrics. They held it together.

_Nothing's ever right._

Mick felt that. He never had before, in all his years of being Motley Crue's only guitarist- but there was a first time for everything, he supposed.

He hadn't been so wrong ever before. But all year now, that's all he apparently managed to be. He was too loud, too scratchy, too quiet, too slow, too shitty, he sounded like a dying animal, he was everything the album wasn't supposed to be.

Mick was too _old fashioned._

Their manager could spit venom at him all day every day. Nikki could let him do it- too _afraid_ to lose their studio rights. Tommy and Vince could just look away every time he'd cut Mick's sound and tell him he sounded pathetic. Mick eventually pushed it all off his shoulders, for the sake of the band finally being together again. He just wanted to please them; he just wanted to make music, play guitar, and lay down ideas with Nikki. But for the first time ever- Mick wasn't allowed to do those things.

He finally dropped his passiveness on the ground when their manager threw that insult in Mick's face, however.

_Too old fashioned. Too old to sound any good._

He had called Mick too old. _Too fucking old._

Mick hadn't known how the hell to respond to that. He stared up at the fucker from behind his dark shades, thankful he'd kept his glasses on so his band couldn't see the embarrassed tears welling in his eyes. When the bastard finished insulting Mick and all of his playing, he'd stormed out with whispers under his breath of how unbelievably shitty Mick made Motley Crue look. He slammed the door with his prompt exit, steaming all the way down the stairs and out the front door. It wasn't until his car had taken off down the street, that the stunned band finally spoke.

"Uh... you okay, Mick?" Tommy had never actually known how to comfort anyone. Not _really_. He could put up that fake lovey attitude around the girls, but when it came to real pain? He was still just a lost young boy. Mick sat like a statue in his chair, an iron grip on the neck of his guitar. He hated how Tommy sounded so _afraid_ to talk to him.

Mick thought he had said _'yeah, I'm fucking fine,'_ out loud, but didn't realized his false answer remained locked away in his reeling head. Vince ran a hand over his neck, opening his mouth to say something. Probably to tell Mick not to worry about it, topped off with a pinch of fake sympathy.

Mick stood up before he could hear any of it and walked out.

And there he found himself just seconds later: in the nasty single person bathroom at the end of the building staring down at the sink. He didn't know where he had set his shades down at along the way, but didn't want to go look for them. The pangs of fury, hate, insecurity, embarrassment, all melted into one nasty emotion that was getting the best of Mick. Thick tears once teasing the edges of his eyes now fell onto the porcelain under his white-knuckled grip.

So many names he'd been called, by so many different people. And never before had any of their bosses ever called him too fucking _old_ to sound any good.

So that was it then- that was how Mick Mars would be booted out of Motley Crue. Nikki would come find him and say that it was probably best if Mick just went on his way. They would finally put the old horse out to pasture, and send him off as if they never even knew him.

_Fuck_ , Mick hated crying. He wiped his silent tears away and nervously stroked at his hair, as he so often did now a days. He tousled his bangs to try and use them to hide his eyes, but they were just a little too short and still exposed the bloodshot redness against his baby blue irises. He couldn't bring himself to look up in the mirror, too disgusted at the sight of how _old_ and pathetic he looked. Maybe their manager was right... Maybe he _did_ fucking sound as bad as he looked and felt... Mick knew he should just be a man and leave the bathroom to go pack his shit up and head out before someone told him to- but another wave of pent up anxiety took the opportunity to let loose, and he was crying even harder.

Mick pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes as if they could stop the tears from flowing, but they only collected the salty waterfalls on his wrists where they ran down under his sleeves.

_"Fuck!"_ He hissed. Mick was lost. _He_ was the one afraid now; _afraid of pain, afraid of the blame, and it was driving him fucking insane!_

"Mick!?" Nikki's muffled call from somewhere down the hall made Mick pull his hands away from his eyes. He got another good look of himself in the mirror, and hated what he saw.

_He was too old. And it made him afraid..._

"Mick?" The voice got louder, and Mick bit his lip. He frantically wiped his eyes dry again, messing up his hair to try once more to make it hide as much of his face as he could. He really fucking wished he had his hat, or his glasses, or both. Both of those would be fucking great right about now.

_'She hides behind her mask.'_

He really wanted to hide behind his mask too.

_'So insecure. There is no cure.'_

It was all Mick could process in his head as footsteps walked by the door. Mick held his breath, staring into the sink, and thought he might get lucky and Nikki would walk by. But the boots paused on the tile floor, and Mick cursed.

"Mick?" Nikki moved to stand in front of the door, knocking three times.

Mick stayed silent.

"Mick, you in there?" Nikki sure as hell didn't sound as angry as he should be... He had just been told his guitarist was too old to give them a good album, so why did he sound so _sad?_ Was it because the time had finally come for him to kick his long time friend out of Motley Crue?

Mick didn't move. Didn't even breathe.

"Mick, I've already checked every single room in this whole building so I know you're in this one. Now please, open up..." His pained beg pulled at Mick's heartstrings.

That voice. Sounding so _afraid_. Mick could never disobey him, not even at the very end.

He sucked in a wavering breath and reached over to unlock the door. Nikki heard it, and when the door didn't open after a few seconds, he let himself in. He slipped inside and shut it behind him, turning the lock once more. The pain in his green eyes when he saw the sight of Mick did such horrid things to the older man's aching heart... He remained standing stock still just feet away from his guitarist, until the silence and judgement was too much for Mick to bare.

_"S-Sorry,"_ It was all he choked out before another sob racked his frame.

Nikki's warm arms were around him within a split second, and Mick hated himself for how easily he buried his face in his friend's neck to soak his skin with shameful tears. He cried against Nikki while his hands shot up to cover his eyes, trying to muffle the sounds that fell from his mouth. Nikki held him even tighter, rubbing gentle circles along his back as he pressed his lips against Mick's head.

" _Fuck_ , Mick, you can't be sorry. _I'm_ sorry. Sorry for letting that cocksucker talk to you like that..." It sounded like Nikki was crying too but Mick couldn't tell for sure through the pounding headache in his ears. His cheeks were soaked until strands of both their hairs were plastered on his face, and he tried to move his hands in the tight position to wipe them away. Mick eventually managed to catch his breath and make yet another attempt at calming his anxious mind.

_"He's right,"_ He whispered through a thick throat.

"Fuck no he isn't!" Nikki strengthened his hug, and Mick was glad his spine didn't protest. It was as if his back had given up just like the rest of him. "Mick, look at me," Nikki pulled away and Mick was suddenly left raw and exposed under the bright light and intense green gaze. He cupped Mick's red cheeks and prompted the older man to raise his head and look him in the eyes. "I'm sorry we let him treat you like shit for so long. Don't let his false words tear you down. From now on, I'll _never_ let him insult you, or even fucking _speak_ to you ever again."

Mick wanted to believe the words, but they felt like just another lie. Nikki seemed to sense this, and ran a thumb under his puffy eye to catch a tear.

_"I mean it, baby."_ He whispered. Mick felt his eyes let lose a new wave of wet emotions. He leaned forward, and Nikki held him again. He rested his head on the top of Mick's, planting a soft kiss into his hair that Mick didn't catch. The guitarist struggled to keep his cries silenced against Nikki's warm neck, but soon the bass player's shirt collar was sodden with fresh tears. Mick really wanted to apologize again for acting like some child, all broken down just from some asshole's opinion and insults. But his throat was too clogged to get any words out, so he let his cries run free to do their damage. _"I'm so sorry,"_ Nikki mumbled the words Mick wished he could get out too.

His gentle hand ran through Mick's dark tangled hair ever so slowly, until he reached the older man's shoulder and rubbed it soothingly. He pressed just hard enough in his repeating kneading to break through the fog blocking Mick's brain and remind him that he wasn't alone. He wasn't a failure, because Nikki still loved him. He would always be there for Mick, holding him even when he couldn't hold himself. He'd never seen his older friend so torn up over anything, and it scared him. Nikki bit his lip to avoid cursing himself out loud for ignoring all the pain and insecurity his bandmate had been dealing with all alone, all year long. He had no idea how much Mick was struggling, right in front of his face... Nikki held him a little tighter, nuzzling against his soft hair and wishing he could turn back the clock to avoid all the trouble he'd put Mick through. 

"It's okay, Mick. It's okay to break down. I don't know how you lasted this long working with that fucker. I'm _so_ sorry I let it get so bad, _fuck_ ," Nikki spoke against Mick's skull. He kissed him again, with a little more meaning so Mick felt it that time. He tried to pull back and ask Nikki what that was for, but Nikki was holding him too tight and quite frankly, Mick didn't want to fucking move.

After an unknown amount of minutes went by, Mick finally caught his breath and dried his tears. He hadn't realized he'd wrapped his own arms around Nikki's torso in return, until the younger man shifted in his embrace. Mickt took a deep breath before finally pulling away and meeting that green gaze.

_"Sorry,"_ He mumbled.

"Don't fucking apologize, Mick. You're perfect no matter what anyone says." Nikki's hard stare grew a little too much for Mick to handle, so the older man looked to the floor. He felt himself blushing under Nikki's meaningful gaze, trying to handle the compliment with his unsteady hands.

"I sure don't feel like it. Everything I do is always _wrong_ ," He finally admitted. It was murmured under his breath, but Nikki still heard it.

"No it's not!" The bassist held Mick's face again, but Mick refused to look up at him. He worried he might cry again if he had to keep looking at that sad, overly loving look Nikki was giving him. He didn't deserve so much attention from his friend... "Don't listen to him. I think your work is _amazing_ , we all do!"

"But I fucking hate it! And when he does call me shit, you guys agree!" Mick aggressivly wiped at his face with building anxiety that was begging for an outlet.

"That's not true..." Nikki sounded so broken; Mick's wounded heart cracked even more. _All he did was disappoint..._

"You never disagree. You just let him tell me it... You let him call me shit. You let him say I'm not allowed to even change anything. You guys let him bury any opinion I have. Fuck, you and the guys haven't even noticed I haven't written a single riff in two months! I can't _stand_ the shit I'm making on this record. I feel like a fucking fool, spitting out random work that sounds like fucked up garbage. Everything you guys want is everything I don't, and I'm _sorry_. I'm sorry I'm too fucking old to do anything to your standards, but fuck, I'm _trying_ to _,_ Nikki!" Mick was crying again. Silent tears rolling down his cheeks, until he pulled his sleeve over his hand and wiped them away behind the wall of black hair shrouding his face.

Nikki was quiet for a moment, and Mick felt like crying even more.

"You're not too old..." He breathed quietly, full of nothing short of shock. Mick almost didn't hear it. "Fuck, Mick... is that what broke you?" Nikki was most certainly crying with him, and Mick had to close his eyes so he couldn't see how broken he'd made his friend. It was all his fault; he'd spread his stupid insecurity and made Nikki feel like shit too...

"I'm not b-broken-" Mick lied in a choked out cry that had Nikki sobbing with him.

_"Fuck,"_ The younger man started and moved forward like he wanted to hold Mick again. He was crying just as hard as his guitarist, and Mick couldn't stand it.

"Don't cry over me, Nikki, please..." His words were lost when he finally panicked and turned tail to run just before Nikki could reach for him.

Mick threw open the door and took off walking down the hallway, ignoring the odd look one of the tech workers shot his way. He hung his head and let his hair cover his pink face, watching his boots carry him to nowhere specific.

"Mick, wait!" Nikki cried out behind him, and Mick sped up. He was done, done with everything. He was done feeling like a fool. He was done being a disappointment. He was done with his fucking back killing him. He was done being insulted. Done working his ass off every day to do what he loved, and done having it all be torn apart and shit on by everyone above him. He was done being too old, and done with being reminded that he was.

_'She's so afraid of love._  
_Is so afraid of hate.'_

He was done being afraid.

_'What's she runnin' from now?'_

And he was most certainly done running.

"Mick!" Nikki's voice sounded louder, and Mick was forced to stop his fleeing when he nearly ran right into a wall after rounding a corner. His vision was blurred with stinging tears and his head spun, much too stuffed with snot and emotions to leave room for any sense. The bassist behind him ran to catch up, and Mick realized when he'd looked up that the back door to the studio was only feet away. A bright sliver of sunlight poured from the bottom, and Mick desperately wanted to throw it open and take off forever.

He was done with being treated like a used up fucking rag-doll ready to be thrown out if he made one more mistake...

"Mick, fuck, stop!" Nikki panted through his own tears. Mick thought his words were rather ironic because he _was_ stopped- but then suddenly realized that he had kept walking forward and his hands were on the door. One push away from throwing it all away. He could leave- leave Motley Crue behind forever. He'd drive home to waste away a failure all alone, then send his son to pick up his guitars and amps so he wouldn't have to face his band. _"Mick, please!"_ It was Nikki's broken cry that made him hesitate.

But a hesitation was all Mick needed, and he knew he couldn't do it.

_It's only life._

He cried again. He turned around with two hands over his soaked eyes, and Nikki was right there to catch him. He held Mick close, one hand on the back of his head and the other pressed against his hips. It hurt Mick's bones in the tight embrace, but he couldn't care even if he tried.

_"What do I do, Nikki? How do I fucking do this!?"_ He cried out as his bandmate shielded him from all the shit in the world around them.

_"Oh, Mick,"_ Nikki breathed, battling his own tears. _"_ I'm so fucking sorry you feel this way, this is all my fault..."

"No it's not." Mick shivered against the pain swarming inside his chest. "It's _my_ fault. I'm sorry I'm too fucking old to do what you guys want."

"Mick, that's _not true."_ Nikki said. He sniffed back the snot in his nose to pull back and stare down at Mick's reddened eyes. "I'm gonna _kill_ that fucker for everything he said. I'm never gonna sit quiet and let people speak for us ever again; you're one of us. Your work is the best I've ever fucking heard from anyone on Earth. It wouldn't be a band without you, and you know it. If you go, we _all_ go. I'll never play a fucking note without you at my side."

Mick opened his mouth to disagree yet again, but didn't get the chance as Nikki cupped his wet cheeks and bent down to kiss him into stunned silence. He gripped the younger man's shoulders ready push him back, but couldn't find the strength or will to do so. Nikki mouthed at his lips, quivering slightly with the fear that Mick would shove him off and storm out the door after all. He held the older man close, begging him to stay. Mick waited a moment. And then another, as Nikki kissed him even slower. Mick remembered to closed his eyes after a second of shock went by as he felt Nikki work along his lips. The bassist kept kissing him despite his bandmate standing frozen beneath him, and it was softer than Mick had ever imagined. He finally took a chance and shyly kissed Nikki back, and when the other whined in excitement he did it again.

Nikki hummed somewhere in the back of his throat, but pulled away too soon to stare wide eyed down at his guitarist.

"Shit, I'm sorry... That was probably the worst timing ever," He sighed with a nervous smirk. Mick watched him for a moment, before reaching a hand up to hold his friend's shoulder.

_"It's okay..."_ He whispered with a slow blink. He looked into Nikki's eyes, watching so many emotions run through those gorgeous green irises as he stared back down at Mick.

"I mean it though... Don't go thinking you're worthless because of what he says. Or because the three of us were fucking dumbasses and let him. And sure as hell don't think that you're too old, Mick. That was a bullshit lie and I swear to fucking _God_ I'm gonna sick Tommy on that fucker when we get back. You're always going to be so far ahead of us, of _everyone_. You're the best guitarist and musician I've ever met. I fucking _love_ _you_ , and can't stand to see you doubt yourself like this..." Nikki finished his rant and brushed Mick's bangs out of his tear-stained face. The older man felt those same emotions of failure and embarrassment squirm around in his guts, but his tears had finally dried for good.

"Thanks, Nikki..."

"And we promise to let your voice be heard on this record. We've never bullshit anything before, and sure as hell aren't going to start now. I'm sorry it took you hitting your breaking point for us to realize how much it was hurting you." Nikki kissed him again, quick and full of love.

Mick felt himself smile for the first time that week. It was small, just peering around the wall he'd built around himself after countless days of being torn down- but it was there and undeniably genuine. He took in a rocky breath as he leaned forward and hugged Nikki close. His eyes closed with no more tears escaping from within, and finally let himself believe that he just might be okay after all.

"Will you come back with me?" Nikki asked after a few minutes of stroking Mick's back and kissing his forehead. The guitarist thought about his answer, debating if he wanted to face Tommy and Vince again.

_"Would you be mad if I said no?"_

"Of course not. I'll never be mad at you, Mick. You're the only one in this band that I could never get pissed at," Nikki chuckled. He pressed his lips to Mick's forehead again, overtop his dark bangs.

"Well, good... because I'm probably gonna head out for the day. I know I won't get anything done anyhow," Mick mumbled shyly against Nikki's shirt.

"Let me come with you?" Nikki's voice was even softer. He wasn't feeling too thrilled about letting Mick go off on his own so fresh from dealing with so many negative emotions. He knew his guitarist may be calm, silent, and collected normally, but was worried about the torment running rapid behind those closed doors in his mind. He didn't want Mick all alone battling himself with no one there to tell him how much worth he truly had. Mick was quiet as he debated letting Nikki follow him home, but decided that it would be for the best. They had a lot to talk about anyhow...

"I'd like that." He grinned a little wider. Nikki returned it.

"Come on. I'll call Tommy later and let him know we dipped. He was expecting it anyways. He was pretty fuckin' worried about you, you know..."

"He shouldn't be. I'd expect him to be the first one to vote me off," Mick's pained chuckle only earned a frown from his bassist.

"Mick..." Nikki mumbled as be pulled back from their tight embrace. Once again, Mick was left stuck under that intense, caring stare. "You know none of us ever want to see you go... Yeah, we fuckin' fight each other a lot, and Tommy has doubts, and Vince left for a while, but... You're the most important part of all of us. We love you, Mick. Those other to bozos are too shy to admit it, but I know they do. You should have seen how fucking worried they were when you walked out; they thought you wouldn't ever be back..." Nikki ran the back of his knuckles down Mick's warm cheek as he gazed into those icy eyes. Mick stared at him for a moment as he processed his friend's words.

_So afraid of love._

But Mick realized, he may not be so afraid anymore.

"Okay..." Never any good with words, he simply laughed nervously with blushing cheeks under Nikki's fingers. Nikki smiled back down at him at the sight of his guitarist finally squirming with love, rather than fear.

"Come on. Let's just go fuckin' pig out and pass out. In your bed specifically." Nikki grinned. Mick then laughed for real as the younger man dipped down to give him a quick kiss again.

"Now that's a good fucking idea," Mick said. He then made a quick decision to stand up on his toes to plant a kiss back on Nikki's lips in return. The bassist jumped slightly in excitement, but immediately held him tight to kiss Mick back. His neck hurt in the stretched position, but the pain was nothing compared to the bliss he felt wrapped in the younger man's arms. _"Thank you, Nikki."_ He whispered against the other's lips when they finally parted.

_"Love you, Mick."_ Nikki mumbled softly, only for Mick to hear in the whole wide world. He looked down at Mick with so much love and care, it sent the older man's stomach flipping in knots.

_"Love you too, crazy bastard..."_ Mick couldn't tame the wicked grin spreading across his own lips. And as Nikki wrapped an arm around him, and the two stepped outside into freedom- all the weight upon their shoulders fell away to nothing.

Mick knew he never had to be so afraid again.


End file.
